Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.
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A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was acommotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his tableand shouted, "Order, order." The drunkard immediately responded,"Thank you, your honour, I'll have a scotch and soda."
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Customer : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Penang intwo days time?
Post Master : Well it might do.
Customer : I bet you, it won't.Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to Johor.
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An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.''How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.'How long has what been going on?' said the man.
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Girl : Do you love me?
Boy : Yes Dear.
Girl : Would you die for me?
Boy : No, mine is undying love.
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1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.
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Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.
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Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in thefield"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.
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Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu
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Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Just for Laugh
Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter : Sit down, sir, we serve anyone. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter : Yes Sir, they are not very good swimmers. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter : That's all right, Sir, he won't drink much.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxCustomer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea cup?
Waiter : I wouldn't know, Sir, I'm a waiter,not a fortune teller
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Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter : Funny? But why aren't you laughing?xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father : No. Why do you ask that?
Son : Well, where did you get mummy then?xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask I can take this train toKuala Lumpur.
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.
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Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and thegame went into extra time.
Waiter : Sit down, sir, we serve anyone. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter : Yes Sir, they are not very good swimmers. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter : That's all right, Sir, he won't drink much.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxCustomer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea cup?
Waiter : I wouldn't know, Sir, I'm a waiter,not a fortune teller
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Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter : Funny? But why aren't you laughing?xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father : No. Why do you ask that?
Son : Well, where did you get mummy then?xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask I can take this train toKuala Lumpur.
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.
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Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and thegame went into extra time.
A Chinese Girl can’t speak fluent English in London
There was a Chinese lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed some how to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.
The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. She brought her husband to the store.......... so what did she do???????????????
What are you thinking? ??????????????
HellOOOooooooOOOooo, her husband speaks English!!
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.
The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. She brought her husband to the store.......... so what did she do???????????????
What are you thinking? ??????????????
HellOOOooooooOOOooo, her husband speaks English!!
Friday, December 19, 2008
Awas! Hal Remeh-Temeh Merosakkan Hidup
Di sebuah kampung terdapat sebuah pokok yang umurnya melebihi umur kampung tersebut. Semasa kampung tersebut di buka, pokok itu telah wujud dan penduduk mengambil keputusan untuk membiarkan sahaja sehinggakan ia menjadi semakin membesar .Sejak kewujudannya sehingga kini, pokok tersebut tetap berdiri teguh dan tidak pernah menunjukkan tanda-tanda akan musnah walaupun seringkali di panah petir dan dilanda banjir besar beberapa kali.
Sehinggalah pada suatu hari secara tiba-tiba pokok itu gugur ke bumi dengan sendirinya tanpa disebabkan punca-punca yang besar. Penduduk tertanya-tanya mengapakah pokok itu boleh tumbang, sedangkan selama ini bermacam bencana yang menimpanya, tetapi ia tetap berdiri teguh dengan penuh bangga. Setelah disiasat oleh beberapa orang penduduk, mereka mendapati pokok itu tumbang kerana disebabkan oleh sejenis serangga yang disebut kumbang yang telah memakan pokok tersebut secara perlahan-lahan sejak sekian lama tanpa disedari oleh penduduk di situ. Kumbang-kumbang itu telah memakan bahagian pokok itu yang selama ini dibaluti oleh kulitnya yang keras itu. Akhirnya, dalam masa yang singkat, pokok tersebut telah tumbang, tersembam ke bumi hanya kerana disebabkan kumbang-kumbang yang kecil saiznya.
Dalam sebuah hadis yang mahsyur, Rasulullah bersabda yang bermaksud : "Jauhilah dosa-dosa kecil kerana jika ia telah bertompok-tompok pada seseorang maka ia akan merosakkan orang itu
"Seorang hakim di Chicago bernama Dan Joseph Sabeth yang pernah menjadi penasihat perkahwinan telah berjaya membantu 40000 pasangan yang tidak bahagia mengatakan sebahagian besar ketidakbahagiaan dalam perkahwinan disebabkan oleh hal yang remeh-temeh atau perkara-perkara kecil.
Manakalah Frank S. Hogan, seorang penguasa daerah di New York Country mengatakan sebahagian kes-kes yang telah dilaporkan ke jabatannya berkaitan hal-hal yang kecil saja seperti pertengkaran antara anggota keluarga, atau kerana disebabkan selisih faham sehingga menyebabkan saling menghina antara satu sama lain, atau kerana tersinggung, atau kerana terkesan disebabkan isyarat-isyarat badan. Dan perkara-perkara kecil seperti di atas tadilah telah membawa kepada beberapa kes besar seperti pergaduhan dan pembunuhan.
Di negara kita sendiri apa kurangnya. Sama seperti di Barat yang mana saban hari di dada-dada akhbar dan seperti yang dilaporkan dalam berita di televisyen tentang pergaduhan dan pembunuhan yang hanya bermula dengan hal yang kecil dan kadangkala tidak masuk dek akal. Misalannya, bergaduh sehingga berbunuhan kerana masalah perselisihan pendapat. Bila mula berbeza pendapat, masing-masing mula menghina antara satu sama lain, dan akhirnya menyebabkan kepada pergaduhan yang penamatnya menyebabkan salah seorang daripada mereka terkorban.
Ini bukan cerita dongeng, tetapi inilah realiti yang sedang melanda masyarakat di negara kita.Mari kita fikirkan bersama, mengapa semua ini berlaku. Dari hal-hal yang kecil dan remeh-temeh, akhirnya ia menjadi masalah besar dan membinasakan. Jawapannya mudah sahaja, ini semua berlaku kerana kita sering memperbesarkan hal-hal yang kecil sehingga menjadi besar dan seterusnya memusnahkan diri kita sendiri. Contoh-contoh di atas menunjukkan kepada kita betapa hal yang kecil dan temeh-temeh telah menyebabkan banyak perkara besar telah berlaku. Hal-hal kecil dan remeh temeh ini perlulah kita tangani dengan berkesan agar ia tidak menguasai diri kita.
Misalnya dalam rumahtangga, pasangan suami isteri haruslah pandai menilai sesuatu isu yang berlaku dalam rumahtangga mereka. Jangan biarkan hal-hal yang remeh temeh membelenggu kerukunan rumahtangga mereka. Misalnya seorang suami merasa sakit hati kerana isterinya suka tidur berdengkur. Hampir setiap malam tidurnya terganggu kerana bunyi-bunyian yang keluar dari rongga mulut dan hidung isterinya. Dalam hal ini, sebelum situasi menjadi semakin rumit disebabkan hal yang begitu remeh, si suami perlulah menilai hadis ini yang berbunyi :"Janganlah seorang suami mukmin membenci isterinya yang mukminah, jika ia tidak menyukai salah satu sifat isterinya, tentu ada satu sifat lain yang akan menyenangkannya" ( Muslim ).
Ya, si suami jangan biarkan satu sifat yang buruk pada pandangannya itu untuk menafikan lain-lain sifat yang baik pada diri si isteri. Bertenang sekejap, fikirkan secara perlahan-lahan apakah kebaik-kebaikkan si isteri padanya. Masakan tiada bukan. Pasti ada dan jangan menafikannya. Jangan biarkan ego seorang suami menguasai diri anda. Dari sepuluh sifat si isteri misalnya, masakan tiada satupun yang baik pada pandangan mata anda. Dia basuh pakaian anda, masakkan makanan yang lazat-lazat untuk anda, mengemas rumah setiap hari walaupun penat bekerja dan bermacam-macam lagi yang lakukan si dia untuk anda. Kenapa hanya satu masalah yang kecil, menyebabkan mata anda tertutup untuk melihat perkara yang lebih besar.
Fikirkanlah bagaimana Saidina Umar menilai pengorbanan isterinya dengan mendiamkan dirinya ketika dia dibebeli isterinya. Lemahkah Umar? Tidak, dia pahlawan hebat, bukan sahaja manusia yang takutkannya, malah syaitan juga melarikan diri bilabertembung dengannya. Dia juga sahabat Nabi yang yang mulia dan dijamin syurga. Tetapi mengapa dia bertindak begitu? Tidak lain tidak bukan kerana dia menghargai isterinya dan menerima kelemahan yang ada pada isterinya.
Pada suami di luar sana, anda bagaimana? Fikir-fikirkanlah.Apa jalan penyelesaiannya? Mudah sahaja jalannya, bersihkan jiwa dan bukalah minda kita dengan seluas-luasnya agar kita dapat melihat sesuatu isu dan perkara itu dengan lebih tenang, matang dan menurut pandangan akal yang berlandaskan Islam dan sunnah Nabi. Jangan biarkan fikiran kita terus dikuasai hal-hal yang remeh-temeh sehingga menjadikan minda kita tertutup rapat dan sentiasa menilai sesuatu perkara dan isu itu dengan nilaian yang negatif yang hanya bersandarkan kepada tanggapan semata-mata dan nafsu yang sering memandu kita ke arah kejahatan yang akhirnya akan membinasakan diri kita sendiri. Ingat, syaitan sentiasa mencari jalan untuk memusnahkan anak adam kerana itu janjinya hingga kiamat kelak.
Akhir bicara, bersabarlah dengan setiap apa yang telah Tuhan tentukan buat kita. Nasib anda berada di tangan anda sendiri. Hanya anda yang mampu mengubahnya dengan izin Allah. Selamat berubah kepada Kehidupan BaruWallahua´lam.
Sumber: hidayahnet@yahoogroups.com
Sehinggalah pada suatu hari secara tiba-tiba pokok itu gugur ke bumi dengan sendirinya tanpa disebabkan punca-punca yang besar. Penduduk tertanya-tanya mengapakah pokok itu boleh tumbang, sedangkan selama ini bermacam bencana yang menimpanya, tetapi ia tetap berdiri teguh dengan penuh bangga. Setelah disiasat oleh beberapa orang penduduk, mereka mendapati pokok itu tumbang kerana disebabkan oleh sejenis serangga yang disebut kumbang yang telah memakan pokok tersebut secara perlahan-lahan sejak sekian lama tanpa disedari oleh penduduk di situ. Kumbang-kumbang itu telah memakan bahagian pokok itu yang selama ini dibaluti oleh kulitnya yang keras itu. Akhirnya, dalam masa yang singkat, pokok tersebut telah tumbang, tersembam ke bumi hanya kerana disebabkan kumbang-kumbang yang kecil saiznya.
Dalam sebuah hadis yang mahsyur, Rasulullah bersabda yang bermaksud : "Jauhilah dosa-dosa kecil kerana jika ia telah bertompok-tompok pada seseorang maka ia akan merosakkan orang itu
"Seorang hakim di Chicago bernama Dan Joseph Sabeth yang pernah menjadi penasihat perkahwinan telah berjaya membantu 40000 pasangan yang tidak bahagia mengatakan sebahagian besar ketidakbahagiaan dalam perkahwinan disebabkan oleh hal yang remeh-temeh atau perkara-perkara kecil.
Manakalah Frank S. Hogan, seorang penguasa daerah di New York Country mengatakan sebahagian kes-kes yang telah dilaporkan ke jabatannya berkaitan hal-hal yang kecil saja seperti pertengkaran antara anggota keluarga, atau kerana disebabkan selisih faham sehingga menyebabkan saling menghina antara satu sama lain, atau kerana tersinggung, atau kerana terkesan disebabkan isyarat-isyarat badan. Dan perkara-perkara kecil seperti di atas tadilah telah membawa kepada beberapa kes besar seperti pergaduhan dan pembunuhan.
Di negara kita sendiri apa kurangnya. Sama seperti di Barat yang mana saban hari di dada-dada akhbar dan seperti yang dilaporkan dalam berita di televisyen tentang pergaduhan dan pembunuhan yang hanya bermula dengan hal yang kecil dan kadangkala tidak masuk dek akal. Misalannya, bergaduh sehingga berbunuhan kerana masalah perselisihan pendapat. Bila mula berbeza pendapat, masing-masing mula menghina antara satu sama lain, dan akhirnya menyebabkan kepada pergaduhan yang penamatnya menyebabkan salah seorang daripada mereka terkorban.
Ini bukan cerita dongeng, tetapi inilah realiti yang sedang melanda masyarakat di negara kita.Mari kita fikirkan bersama, mengapa semua ini berlaku. Dari hal-hal yang kecil dan remeh-temeh, akhirnya ia menjadi masalah besar dan membinasakan. Jawapannya mudah sahaja, ini semua berlaku kerana kita sering memperbesarkan hal-hal yang kecil sehingga menjadi besar dan seterusnya memusnahkan diri kita sendiri. Contoh-contoh di atas menunjukkan kepada kita betapa hal yang kecil dan temeh-temeh telah menyebabkan banyak perkara besar telah berlaku. Hal-hal kecil dan remeh temeh ini perlulah kita tangani dengan berkesan agar ia tidak menguasai diri kita.
Misalnya dalam rumahtangga, pasangan suami isteri haruslah pandai menilai sesuatu isu yang berlaku dalam rumahtangga mereka. Jangan biarkan hal-hal yang remeh temeh membelenggu kerukunan rumahtangga mereka. Misalnya seorang suami merasa sakit hati kerana isterinya suka tidur berdengkur. Hampir setiap malam tidurnya terganggu kerana bunyi-bunyian yang keluar dari rongga mulut dan hidung isterinya. Dalam hal ini, sebelum situasi menjadi semakin rumit disebabkan hal yang begitu remeh, si suami perlulah menilai hadis ini yang berbunyi :"Janganlah seorang suami mukmin membenci isterinya yang mukminah, jika ia tidak menyukai salah satu sifat isterinya, tentu ada satu sifat lain yang akan menyenangkannya" ( Muslim ).
Ya, si suami jangan biarkan satu sifat yang buruk pada pandangannya itu untuk menafikan lain-lain sifat yang baik pada diri si isteri. Bertenang sekejap, fikirkan secara perlahan-lahan apakah kebaik-kebaikkan si isteri padanya. Masakan tiada bukan. Pasti ada dan jangan menafikannya. Jangan biarkan ego seorang suami menguasai diri anda. Dari sepuluh sifat si isteri misalnya, masakan tiada satupun yang baik pada pandangan mata anda. Dia basuh pakaian anda, masakkan makanan yang lazat-lazat untuk anda, mengemas rumah setiap hari walaupun penat bekerja dan bermacam-macam lagi yang lakukan si dia untuk anda. Kenapa hanya satu masalah yang kecil, menyebabkan mata anda tertutup untuk melihat perkara yang lebih besar.
Fikirkanlah bagaimana Saidina Umar menilai pengorbanan isterinya dengan mendiamkan dirinya ketika dia dibebeli isterinya. Lemahkah Umar? Tidak, dia pahlawan hebat, bukan sahaja manusia yang takutkannya, malah syaitan juga melarikan diri bilabertembung dengannya. Dia juga sahabat Nabi yang yang mulia dan dijamin syurga. Tetapi mengapa dia bertindak begitu? Tidak lain tidak bukan kerana dia menghargai isterinya dan menerima kelemahan yang ada pada isterinya.
Pada suami di luar sana, anda bagaimana? Fikir-fikirkanlah.Apa jalan penyelesaiannya? Mudah sahaja jalannya, bersihkan jiwa dan bukalah minda kita dengan seluas-luasnya agar kita dapat melihat sesuatu isu dan perkara itu dengan lebih tenang, matang dan menurut pandangan akal yang berlandaskan Islam dan sunnah Nabi. Jangan biarkan fikiran kita terus dikuasai hal-hal yang remeh-temeh sehingga menjadikan minda kita tertutup rapat dan sentiasa menilai sesuatu perkara dan isu itu dengan nilaian yang negatif yang hanya bersandarkan kepada tanggapan semata-mata dan nafsu yang sering memandu kita ke arah kejahatan yang akhirnya akan membinasakan diri kita sendiri. Ingat, syaitan sentiasa mencari jalan untuk memusnahkan anak adam kerana itu janjinya hingga kiamat kelak.
Akhir bicara, bersabarlah dengan setiap apa yang telah Tuhan tentukan buat kita. Nasib anda berada di tangan anda sendiri. Hanya anda yang mampu mengubahnya dengan izin Allah. Selamat berubah kepada Kehidupan BaruWallahua´lam.
Sumber: hidayahnet@yahoogroups.com
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Difference Between Love & Marriage
Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
Marriage is a take home packet.
Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.
Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early.
Love is a romantic drive.
Marriage is arrive on tops curvy tarmac .
Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.
Love is sweet nothing in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.
Tv has no place in love.
Marriage is a fight for remote control.
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!".
Conclusion: "Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener!"
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
Marriage is a take home packet.
Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.
Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early.
Love is a romantic drive.
Marriage is arrive on tops curvy tarmac .
Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.
Love is sweet nothing in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.
Tv has no place in love.
Marriage is a fight for remote control.
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!".
Conclusion: "Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener!"
TO ALL YOU LADIES OUT THERE
Good one, just for laugh "TO ALL YOU LADIES OUT THERE"
This incident happend last week(When??) on the air....
Yasmin Yusof, a DJ on Radio 4 asked listeners on her radio program to call to answer trivia questions. The first caller to give the correct answer would get a prize from the sponsor.
She asked:
"Can anyone out there tell me the household name of Sodium Chloride"
A caller who is a housewife called up eager to answer the question. Not knowing the answer to the question, she asked Yasmin for a clue.
"Something you put on your husbands eggs in the morning." she said.
The lady confidently said : "Talcum powder".
Yasmin Yusof did not return to the air until after a few
songs!
This incident happend last week(When??) on the air....
Yasmin Yusof, a DJ on Radio 4 asked listeners on her radio program to call to answer trivia questions. The first caller to give the correct answer would get a prize from the sponsor.
She asked:
"Can anyone out there tell me the household name of Sodium Chloride"
A caller who is a housewife called up eager to answer the question. Not knowing the answer to the question, she asked Yasmin for a clue.
"Something you put on your husbands eggs in the morning." she said.
The lady confidently said : "Talcum powder".
Yasmin Yusof did not return to the air until after a few
songs!
Lawak Ntah Ape Ntah
SAM: Kenapa kamu cakap minum susu segar boleh bawa maut?
DOL: Sebab semalam semasa aku tengah minum, lembu tu terajang aku. Nasib baik tak mati.
===================================
SAM: Apasal ko marah kat tokey kedai 2Ringgit tu?
DOL: Sebab dia tipu. Aku beli 3 barang dia mintak 6 ringgit. Kata kedai 2 Ringgit
===================================
SAM: Kau kata binatang peliharaan kau mati lemas? Mana kau tau dia mati lemas?
DOL: Sebab aku bela ikan emas. aku jumpa ia mati dalam air!
===================================
SAM: Semalam aku nampak hantu!
DOL: Uih! kau terkejut tak?
SAM: Taklah.... hantu tu yang terkejut tengok aku.
DOL: Mana kau tahu?
SAM: Aku tengok muka dia pucat semacamjer....
===================================
SAM: Apasal kopi yang kau buat ni rasa masin?
DOL: Gula dah habis!
SAM: Yang kau pergi campur garam apasal?
DOL: Kan aku kata, sebab gula dah habislah
===================================
SAM: Aku tengok kau beberapa hari ini"candlelight dinner" dengan bini kau, mesti dia suka.
DOL: Dia marahlah. Aku lupa nak bayar bilelektrik, api rumah aku dah kena potong!
===================================
SAM: Aku ada AIDS? mana ada...
DOL: Aku baca 1 dari 10 orang kat Negara ni ada aids. Aku dah tanya 9 orang, semua tak ada aids, kau orang ke 10, tak payah tanya, aku dah tahu...
===================================
SAM: Dol, aku dengar bunyi batuk kau makin teruk!
DOL: Iya ke? kalau macam ni aku kena banyakberlatih agar dapat batuk dengan lebih baik lagi.
===================================
SAM: Dah dua kali perompak yang sama datang merompak kedai kita.
DOL: Tu lah aku dah cakap kat kau, jangan pasang signboard "SILA DATANG LAGI
DOL: Sebab semalam semasa aku tengah minum, lembu tu terajang aku. Nasib baik tak mati.
===================================
SAM: Apasal ko marah kat tokey kedai 2Ringgit tu?
DOL: Sebab dia tipu. Aku beli 3 barang dia mintak 6 ringgit. Kata kedai 2 Ringgit
===================================
SAM: Kau kata binatang peliharaan kau mati lemas? Mana kau tau dia mati lemas?
DOL: Sebab aku bela ikan emas. aku jumpa ia mati dalam air!
===================================
SAM: Semalam aku nampak hantu!
DOL: Uih! kau terkejut tak?
SAM: Taklah.... hantu tu yang terkejut tengok aku.
DOL: Mana kau tahu?
SAM: Aku tengok muka dia pucat semacamjer....
===================================
SAM: Apasal kopi yang kau buat ni rasa masin?
DOL: Gula dah habis!
SAM: Yang kau pergi campur garam apasal?
DOL: Kan aku kata, sebab gula dah habislah
===================================
SAM: Aku tengok kau beberapa hari ini"candlelight dinner" dengan bini kau, mesti dia suka.
DOL: Dia marahlah. Aku lupa nak bayar bilelektrik, api rumah aku dah kena potong!
===================================
SAM: Aku ada AIDS? mana ada...
DOL: Aku baca 1 dari 10 orang kat Negara ni ada aids. Aku dah tanya 9 orang, semua tak ada aids, kau orang ke 10, tak payah tanya, aku dah tahu...
===================================
SAM: Dol, aku dengar bunyi batuk kau makin teruk!
DOL: Iya ke? kalau macam ni aku kena banyakberlatih agar dapat batuk dengan lebih baik lagi.
===================================
SAM: Dah dua kali perompak yang sama datang merompak kedai kita.
DOL: Tu lah aku dah cakap kat kau, jangan pasang signboard "SILA DATANG LAGI
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Siapa Mary bang?
Pada suatu hari yg tenang...seorg suami sedang relaxs sambil duduk membaca suratkhabar.....tiba2 dtg si isteri membawa tudung periuk....PANG!!....diketuknya atas kepala si suami.....si suami yg terpinga2.....bertanya..... "Aper hal ngan awak nih....kenapa awak ketuk kepala saya??....si isteri pun menjawap...."nah! awak tengok nih....sambil menunjukkan secebis kertas yg tertulis nama....'Mary'....si isteri tentula menyangka si suami mempunyai kekasih lain yg bernama Mary....dgn tenang si suami menjawab.... ooo....itu nama kuda yg saya bertaruh semalam.....namanya Mary.....si isteri pun agak puashati ngan penjelasan suaminya..terus menyambung kerja di dapur.....
Selang seminggu berlaku ketika si suami sedang rehat2 membaca suratkhabar seperti selalu.... PANG!!!....kali ini dengan lebih kuat lagi!....si suami pun bertanya....aper hal plak awak ketuk kepala saya kali nih???...dengan selamba..si isteri menjawap...."kuda awak telefon!!".....
P/s: Lain kali nak tipu bini tu cariklah alasan yang lebih selamat
Selang seminggu berlaku ketika si suami sedang rehat2 membaca suratkhabar seperti selalu.... PANG!!!....kali ini dengan lebih kuat lagi!....si suami pun bertanya....aper hal plak awak ketuk kepala saya kali nih???...dengan selamba..si isteri menjawap...."kuda awak telefon!!".....
P/s: Lain kali nak tipu bini tu cariklah alasan yang lebih selamat
A Lesson For Every Salaried Employee!
A butcher watching over his shop is really surprised when he sees a dog coming inside the shop. He shoos him away. But later, the dog is back again. So, he goes over to the dog and notices it has a note in its mouth. He takes the note and it reads "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please". The dog has money in its mouth, as well. The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten dollar note there. So he takes the money and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is so impressed, and since it's about closing time, he decides to shut the shop and follow the dog. So off he goes.
The dog is walking down the street, when it comes to a level crossing the dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then it waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and it walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe as the dog stops a bus by pulling its left leg up and gets in it. The butcher follows the dog into the bus. The dog then shows a ticket which is tied to its belt to the bus conductor. The butcher is nearly fainting at this sight, so are the other passengers in the bus. The dog then sits near the driver's seat looking outside waiting for the bus stop to come.
As soon as the stop is in sight, the dog stands and wags its tail to inform the conductor. Then, without waiting for the bus to stop completely, it jumps out of the bus and runs to a house very close to the stop. It opens the big iron gate and rushes inside towards the door. As it approaches the wooden door, the dog suddenly changes its mind and heads towards the garden. It goes to the window, and beats its head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts abusing the dog, kicking him and punching him, and swearing at him.
The butcher surprised with this, runs up, and stops the guy. "What in heaven's name are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for the life of me!" to which the guy responds: "You call this clever? This is the second time this week that this stupid dog's forgotten his key." Moral of the story ...... You may continue to exceed onlookers' expectations but shall always fall short of the bosses' expectations. ...
The dog is walking down the street, when it comes to a level crossing the dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then it waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and it walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe as the dog stops a bus by pulling its left leg up and gets in it. The butcher follows the dog into the bus. The dog then shows a ticket which is tied to its belt to the bus conductor. The butcher is nearly fainting at this sight, so are the other passengers in the bus. The dog then sits near the driver's seat looking outside waiting for the bus stop to come.
As soon as the stop is in sight, the dog stands and wags its tail to inform the conductor. Then, without waiting for the bus to stop completely, it jumps out of the bus and runs to a house very close to the stop. It opens the big iron gate and rushes inside towards the door. As it approaches the wooden door, the dog suddenly changes its mind and heads towards the garden. It goes to the window, and beats its head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts abusing the dog, kicking him and punching him, and swearing at him.
The butcher surprised with this, runs up, and stops the guy. "What in heaven's name are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for the life of me!" to which the guy responds: "You call this clever? This is the second time this week that this stupid dog's forgotten his key." Moral of the story ...... You may continue to exceed onlookers' expectations but shall always fall short of the bosses' expectations. ...
Monday, December 15, 2008
WAJIB ANDA BACA!!!!!!??
JANGAN MALAS MEMBACA, TAMBAHKAN PENGETAHUAN...
Bahagiakah perkahwinan hanya kerana cinta??? Barangkali kisah ini boleh menjadi renungan bagi kita, terutamanya yang ingin berumah tangga :
Alkisah, seorang pemuda miskin bernama Jamil, berasal dari Benut, Pontian. Keluarganya hanyalah keluarga sederhana, Tidaklah disebut miskin. Ayahnya sehari-hari bekerja sebagai tukang jahit di kampungnya. Karena kegigihannya, Jamil berjaya melanjutkan pelajaran hingga ke UTM walaupun dengan perbelanjaan seadanya. Semasa semester 3 di kampus, Jamil jatuh hati pada seorang gadis bernama Ayu Sofea, juga sama-sama kuliah di fakulti yang sama. Ayu adalah putri seorang tokoh korporat ternama di daerah Johor Bahru dan juga keturunan diraja. Walaupun secara ekonomi, mereka jauh berbeza, namun itu tidak menghalang keduanya untuk saling mencintai. Ayah Ayu yang mengetahui putrinya begitu mencintai pemuda dari keturunan biasa, tak mampu mencegah gelora cinta putrinya.
Maka setelah keduanya lulus, pernikahan keduanyapun diselenggarakan dengan meriah. Pesta besar-besaran diadakan untuk mengiringi pernikahan. Ayah Jamil yang tak punya banyak harta, hanya dapat memberikan bantuan sumbangan pakaian, langsir,sarung bantal, yang semuanya dibuat dan dijahit sendiri khas untuk pernikahan anaknya. Bahagiakah Ayu bersanding dengan Jamil ?
Ternyata kebahagiaan mereka tidak berlangsung lama. Tibalah saatnya malam pengantin tiba. Mereka berduapun memasuki peraduan dengan bahagia. Namun, ketika Jamil membuka pakaiannya dan tinggal hanya memakai seluar dalam, berteriaklah Ayu dengan kuat, sebelum akhirnya pengsan tak sedarkan diri. Jamil masih dalam kebingungan dan tidak tahu kenapa isterinya histeria dan pengsan. Dilihatnya seluar dalam yang dipakai. Aduh... Jamil lupa yang seluar dalam itu dijahit oleh ayahnya, dibuat dari kain bekas bungkus tepung gandum. Di tengah seluar dalam itu masih terpampang jelas tulisan, "BERAT BERSIH 25 KG". Sudah tentulah Ayu terus pengsan melihatnya. Ayu tidak dapat membayangkan seberapa besar isinya dengan berat sebegitu.
-THE END-
Heh...hee...hee......!! Serius sangat membacanya...
Bahagiakah perkahwinan hanya kerana cinta??? Barangkali kisah ini boleh menjadi renungan bagi kita, terutamanya yang ingin berumah tangga :
Alkisah, seorang pemuda miskin bernama Jamil, berasal dari Benut, Pontian. Keluarganya hanyalah keluarga sederhana, Tidaklah disebut miskin. Ayahnya sehari-hari bekerja sebagai tukang jahit di kampungnya. Karena kegigihannya, Jamil berjaya melanjutkan pelajaran hingga ke UTM walaupun dengan perbelanjaan seadanya. Semasa semester 3 di kampus, Jamil jatuh hati pada seorang gadis bernama Ayu Sofea, juga sama-sama kuliah di fakulti yang sama. Ayu adalah putri seorang tokoh korporat ternama di daerah Johor Bahru dan juga keturunan diraja. Walaupun secara ekonomi, mereka jauh berbeza, namun itu tidak menghalang keduanya untuk saling mencintai. Ayah Ayu yang mengetahui putrinya begitu mencintai pemuda dari keturunan biasa, tak mampu mencegah gelora cinta putrinya.
Maka setelah keduanya lulus, pernikahan keduanyapun diselenggarakan dengan meriah. Pesta besar-besaran diadakan untuk mengiringi pernikahan. Ayah Jamil yang tak punya banyak harta, hanya dapat memberikan bantuan sumbangan pakaian, langsir,sarung bantal, yang semuanya dibuat dan dijahit sendiri khas untuk pernikahan anaknya. Bahagiakah Ayu bersanding dengan Jamil ?
Ternyata kebahagiaan mereka tidak berlangsung lama. Tibalah saatnya malam pengantin tiba. Mereka berduapun memasuki peraduan dengan bahagia. Namun, ketika Jamil membuka pakaiannya dan tinggal hanya memakai seluar dalam, berteriaklah Ayu dengan kuat, sebelum akhirnya pengsan tak sedarkan diri. Jamil masih dalam kebingungan dan tidak tahu kenapa isterinya histeria dan pengsan. Dilihatnya seluar dalam yang dipakai. Aduh... Jamil lupa yang seluar dalam itu dijahit oleh ayahnya, dibuat dari kain bekas bungkus tepung gandum. Di tengah seluar dalam itu masih terpampang jelas tulisan, "BERAT BERSIH 25 KG". Sudah tentulah Ayu terus pengsan melihatnya. Ayu tidak dapat membayangkan seberapa besar isinya dengan berat sebegitu.
-THE END-
Heh...hee...hee......!! Serius sangat membacanya...
Seperti bom tangan !!
Apabila beberapa orang pekerja sebuah restoran nasi kandar menghadiri satu Seminar Kebakaran & Keselamatan di Penang, mereka melihat pegawai bomba membuat demonstrasi memadam kebakaran menggunakan alat pemadam api (fire extinguiser) dengan begitu berminat sekali. "Cabut pin ini seperti mencabut pin bom tangan," pegawai itu menerangkan. "Kemudian tekan di sini untuk mengeluarkan 'foam'nya." terang pegawai itu lebih lanjut.
Tidak lama kemudian, seorang pekerja restoran nasi kandar berkenaan telah dipilih untuk mengawal kebakaran di tempat letak kereta. Disebabkan kegugupannya, dia terlupa untuk mencabut pin alat pemadam api tersebut. Pegawai itu kemudiannya memberikan klunya, "Ingat ! Seperti bom tangan." Seperti timbul satu keyakinan baru kepada pekerja restoran nasi kandar itu, ia pun dengan segera mencabut pin dan melontarkan alat pemadam api itu ke dalam kawasan kebakaran tersebut. Demikianlah adanya....
Tidak lama kemudian, seorang pekerja restoran nasi kandar berkenaan telah dipilih untuk mengawal kebakaran di tempat letak kereta. Disebabkan kegugupannya, dia terlupa untuk mencabut pin alat pemadam api tersebut. Pegawai itu kemudiannya memberikan klunya, "Ingat ! Seperti bom tangan." Seperti timbul satu keyakinan baru kepada pekerja restoran nasi kandar itu, ia pun dengan segera mencabut pin dan melontarkan alat pemadam api itu ke dalam kawasan kebakaran tersebut. Demikianlah adanya....
I CAN READ IT! CAN YOU
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too.
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.
ONLY FORWARD IF YOU CAN READ THIS
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.
ONLY FORWARD IF YOU CAN READ THIS
NAUGHTY QUESTIONS?
Try answering the questions before going to the next. See if you are as smart as the boy.
> A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students, the teacher asked,"Boy what is your problem?" Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
> The Teacher had enough. She took the Boy to the principal's office. While the boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. The Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal : "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy : "9".
Principal : "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy : "36".
> And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think this Boy can go to the third-grade." the teacher says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him ?" The principal and the Boy both agree.
> the teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy., after a moment "Legs."
Teacher : "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy : "Pockets."
Teacher : What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy : Coconut
Teacher : What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, The Boy was taking charge.
Boy : Bubblegum
Teacher : What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy : Shake hands
Teacher : Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy : Yep.
Teacher : You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy : Tent
Teacher : A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense.
Boy : Wedding Ring
Teacher : I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy : Nose
Teacher : I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy : Arrow
Teacher : What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy : Firetruck
Teacher : What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if you dont get it u have to use ur hand.
Boy : Fork
Teacher : What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy : SURNAME
Teacher : What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love?
Boy : HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send this Boy to College, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"
> A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students, the teacher asked,"Boy what is your problem?" Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
> The Teacher had enough. She took the Boy to the principal's office. While the boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. The Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal : "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy : "9".
Principal : "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy : "36".
> And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think this Boy can go to the third-grade." the teacher says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him ?" The principal and the Boy both agree.
> the teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy., after a moment "Legs."
Teacher : "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy : "Pockets."
Teacher : What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy : Coconut
Teacher : What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, The Boy was taking charge.
Boy : Bubblegum
Teacher : What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy : Shake hands
Teacher : Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy : Yep.
Teacher : You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy : Tent
Teacher : A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense.
Boy : Wedding Ring
Teacher : I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy : Nose
Teacher : I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy : Arrow
Teacher : What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy : Firetruck
Teacher : What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if you dont get it u have to use ur hand.
Boy : Fork
Teacher : What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy : SURNAME
Teacher : What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love?
Boy : HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send this Boy to College, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"
Friday, December 12, 2008
Lateral Thinking
How many can you get right?!! The last one's great....
man
------
board
Ans. = man overboard
Okay, let's see if you've got the hang of it.
stand
-------
i
Ans. = I understand
OK.... Got the drift? Let's try a few now and see how you fare?
/r/e/a/d/i/n/g/
Ans. = reading between the lines
r
road
a
d
Ans. = cross road
Not having a good day now, are you?Redeem yourself.
cycle cycle cycle
Ans. = tricycle
Not easy to figure out ha!
0
------
M.D.
Ph.D.
Ans. = two degrees below zero
C'mon give it a little thought!!
knee
--------
light
Ans. = neon light (knee-on-light)
U can prove u r smart by getting this one.
ground
------------------------
feet feet feet feet feet feet
Ans. = six feet underground
Oh no, not again!!
he's X himself
Ans. = he's by himself
Now u messing up big time.
ecnalg
Ans. = backward glance
Not even close!!
death . life
Ans. = life after death
Okay last chance ................
THINK
Ans. = think big!!
And the last one is real fundoo............
ababaaabbbbaaaabbbbababaabbaaabbbb....
Ans. = long time no 'C' (see)
man
------
board
Ans. = man overboard
Okay, let's see if you've got the hang of it.
stand
-------
i
Ans. = I understand
OK.... Got the drift? Let's try a few now and see how you fare?
/r/e/a/d/i/n/g/
Ans. = reading between the lines
r
road
a
d
Ans. = cross road
Not having a good day now, are you?Redeem yourself.
cycle cycle cycle
Ans. = tricycle
Not easy to figure out ha!
0
------
M.D.
Ph.D.
Ans. = two degrees below zero
C'mon give it a little thought!!
knee
--------
light
Ans. = neon light (knee-on-light)
U can prove u r smart by getting this one.
ground
------------------------
feet feet feet feet feet feet
Ans. = six feet underground
Oh no, not again!!
he's X himself
Ans. = he's by himself
Now u messing up big time.
ecnalg
Ans. = backward glance
Not even close!!
death . life
Ans. = life after death
Okay last chance ................
THINK
Ans. = think big!!
And the last one is real fundoo............
ababaaabbbbaaaabbbbababaabbaaabbbb....
Ans. = long time no 'C' (see)
Play with words...too good....
Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands!
(Wait till you see the last one)!
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands!
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Vanilla Ice Cream that puzzled General Motors!!
Interesting story...Never underestimate your client's complaint, no matter how funny it might seem! This is a real story that happened between a customer of General Motors and its Customer Care Executive. A complaint was received by the Pontiac Division of General Motors:
"This is the second time I have written to you, and I don't blame you for not answering me, because I sounded crazy, but it is a fact that we have a tradition in our family of ice cream for dessert after dinner each night, but the kind of ice cream varies so, every night, after we have eaten, the whole family votes on which kind of ice cream we should have and I drive down to the store to get it. It's also a fact that I recently purchased a new Pontiac and since then my trips to the store have created a problem. You see, every time I buy a vanilla ice cream, when I start back from the store my car won't start. If I get any other kind of ice cream my car starts just fine. I want you to know I am serious about this question, no matter how silly it sounds. "What is there about a Pontiac that makes it not start when I get vanilla ice cream, and easy to start whenever I get any other kind?" The Pontiac President was understandably skeptical about the letter, but sent an engineer to check it out anyway. The latter was surprised to be greeted by a successful, obviously well-educated man in a fine neighbourhood. He had managed to meet the man just after dinner time, so the two hopped into the car and, sure enough after they came back to the car, it wouldn't start. The engineer returned for three more nights. The first night, they got chocolate. The car started. The second night, he got strawberry. The car started. The third night, he ordered vanilla. The car failed to start. Now the engineer, being a logical man, refused to believe that this man's car was allergic to vanilla ice cream. He arranged, therefore, to continue his visits for as long as it took to solve the problem. And towards this end he began to take notes. He jotted down all sorts of data: time of day, types of gas uses, time to drive back and forth, etc. In a short time he had a clue. The man took less time to buy vanilla ice cream than any other flavour. Why? The answer was in the layout of the store. Vanilla, being the most popular flavour, was in a separate case at the front of the store for quick pickup. All the other flavours were kept in the back of the store at a different counter where it took considerably longer to check out the flavour. Now, the question for the engineer was why the car wouldn't start when it took less time. EUREKA ! Time was now the problem not the vanilla ice cream!!! The engineer quickly came up with the answer: "vapour lock". It was happening every night, but the extra time taken to get the other flavours allowed the engine to cool down sufficiently to start. When the man got vanilla, the engine was still too hot for the vapour lock to dissipate.
Lessons Learned: Even crazy looking problems are sometimes real and all problems seem to be simple only when we find the solution, with cool thinking
"This is the second time I have written to you, and I don't blame you for not answering me, because I sounded crazy, but it is a fact that we have a tradition in our family of ice cream for dessert after dinner each night, but the kind of ice cream varies so, every night, after we have eaten, the whole family votes on which kind of ice cream we should have and I drive down to the store to get it. It's also a fact that I recently purchased a new Pontiac and since then my trips to the store have created a problem. You see, every time I buy a vanilla ice cream, when I start back from the store my car won't start. If I get any other kind of ice cream my car starts just fine. I want you to know I am serious about this question, no matter how silly it sounds. "What is there about a Pontiac that makes it not start when I get vanilla ice cream, and easy to start whenever I get any other kind?" The Pontiac President was understandably skeptical about the letter, but sent an engineer to check it out anyway. The latter was surprised to be greeted by a successful, obviously well-educated man in a fine neighbourhood. He had managed to meet the man just after dinner time, so the two hopped into the car and, sure enough after they came back to the car, it wouldn't start. The engineer returned for three more nights. The first night, they got chocolate. The car started. The second night, he got strawberry. The car started. The third night, he ordered vanilla. The car failed to start. Now the engineer, being a logical man, refused to believe that this man's car was allergic to vanilla ice cream. He arranged, therefore, to continue his visits for as long as it took to solve the problem. And towards this end he began to take notes. He jotted down all sorts of data: time of day, types of gas uses, time to drive back and forth, etc. In a short time he had a clue. The man took less time to buy vanilla ice cream than any other flavour. Why? The answer was in the layout of the store. Vanilla, being the most popular flavour, was in a separate case at the front of the store for quick pickup. All the other flavours were kept in the back of the store at a different counter where it took considerably longer to check out the flavour. Now, the question for the engineer was why the car wouldn't start when it took less time. EUREKA ! Time was now the problem not the vanilla ice cream!!! The engineer quickly came up with the answer: "vapour lock". It was happening every night, but the extra time taken to get the other flavours allowed the engine to cool down sufficiently to start. When the man got vanilla, the engine was still too hot for the vapour lock to dissipate.
Lessons Learned: Even crazy looking problems are sometimes real and all problems seem to be simple only when we find the solution, with cool thinking
Something to Cheer You Up!
Lee Sum Wan : Hello can i speak to Annie Wan
Mr Sori : Yes u could speak to me.
Lee Sum Wan : No, i want to speak to Annie Wan!
Mr Sori : You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Lee Sum Wan : Im Sum Wan. And i need to talk to Annie Wan! Its urgent.
Mr Sori : I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But whats this urgent matter about?
Lee Sum Wan : Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now Avery Wan is going to the hospital.
Mr Sori : Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isnt an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but i dont have time for this!!!
Lee Sum Wan : You are rude. Who are you?
Mr Sori : Im Sori.
Lee Sum Wan : You should be sorry. Now give me your name!
Mr Sori : Im Sori!!
Lee Sum Wan : I dont like your tone of voice Mr and i dont care, give me your name!
Mr Sori : Look lady, I told you already Im Sori! Im Sori!! Im SORI !!! you didnt even give me your name!
Lee Sum Wan : I told u before im Sum Wan! Sum Wan!!! You better be careful my father is Sum Buddy. And my uncle holds a very big position in the co. He is Noe Buddy.
Mr Sori : Oh im so scared (sarcastically). Look i dont care about ur uncle he’s a nobody. Everybody thinks his top dog and holding an important position in the company.
Lee Sum Wan : No Avery Buddy just married my aunt. And Avery Buddy doesn’t work there.
Mr Sori : Like i said i dont care which one of ur aunt screws everybody and i also know that not everybody works here! Jeez!!!
Lee Sum Wan : Wheech Wan is my sis!
Mr. Sori : I dont know which one is ur sis! Why in gods name u think i do!? Look i got work to do and if im feeling mischievious i’ll broadcast it on the P.A system saying. “Attention, someone called and said that anyones brother just got involved in an accident. But not to worry no one got injured and no one was sent to the hospital. But everyone is going to the hospital anyways. The father maybe a somebody but if u’re their uncle, u’re a nobody. “how bout that!? Toot....Toot....Toot............
Mr Sori : Yes u could speak to me.
Lee Sum Wan : No, i want to speak to Annie Wan!
Mr Sori : You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Lee Sum Wan : Im Sum Wan. And i need to talk to Annie Wan! Its urgent.
Mr Sori : I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But whats this urgent matter about?
Lee Sum Wan : Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now Avery Wan is going to the hospital.
Mr Sori : Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isnt an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but i dont have time for this!!!
Lee Sum Wan : You are rude. Who are you?
Mr Sori : Im Sori.
Lee Sum Wan : You should be sorry. Now give me your name!
Mr Sori : Im Sori!!
Lee Sum Wan : I dont like your tone of voice Mr and i dont care, give me your name!
Mr Sori : Look lady, I told you already Im Sori! Im Sori!! Im SORI !!! you didnt even give me your name!
Lee Sum Wan : I told u before im Sum Wan! Sum Wan!!! You better be careful my father is Sum Buddy. And my uncle holds a very big position in the co. He is Noe Buddy.
Mr Sori : Oh im so scared (sarcastically). Look i dont care about ur uncle he’s a nobody. Everybody thinks his top dog and holding an important position in the company.
Lee Sum Wan : No Avery Buddy just married my aunt. And Avery Buddy doesn’t work there.
Mr Sori : Like i said i dont care which one of ur aunt screws everybody and i also know that not everybody works here! Jeez!!!
Lee Sum Wan : Wheech Wan is my sis!
Mr. Sori : I dont know which one is ur sis! Why in gods name u think i do!? Look i got work to do and if im feeling mischievious i’ll broadcast it on the P.A system saying. “Attention, someone called and said that anyones brother just got involved in an accident. But not to worry no one got injured and no one was sent to the hospital. But everyone is going to the hospital anyways. The father maybe a somebody but if u’re their uncle, u’re a nobody. “how bout that!? Toot....Toot....Toot............
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story.(I must admit, it's pretty good). We always hear "the rules"From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1"ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moonor the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. Pass this to as many men as you can -to give them a laugh. Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moonor the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. Pass this to as many men as you can -to give them a laugh. Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh
God's Pharmacy...Amazing
A friend sent this to me. It's been said that God first separated the salt water from the fresh, made dry land, planted a garden, created animals and fish... all before making a human.. He made and provided what we'd need before we were born. The following are best & more powerful when eaten raw. We're such slow learners...God left us a great clue as to what foods help which part of our body! God's Pharmacy! Amazing!
Sliced Carrot looks like the human eye. The pupil, iris and radiating lines look just like the human eye ... and YES, science now shows carrots greatly enhance blood flow to and functioning of the eyes.
A Tomato has four chambers and is red. The heart has four chambers and is red. All of the research shows tomatoes are loaded with lycopine and are indeed pure heart and blood food.
Grapes hang in a cluster that has the shape of the heart. Each grape looks like a blood cell and all of the research today shows grapes are also profound heart and blood vitalizing food.
A Walnut looks like a little brain, a left and right hemisphere, upper cerebrums and lower cerebellums. Even the wrinkles or folds on the nut are just like the neo-cortex. We now know walnuts help develop more than three (3) dozen neuron-transmitters for brain function.
Kidney Beans actually heal and help maintain kidney function and yes, they look exactly like the human kidneys.
C elery, Bok Choy, Rhubarb and many more look just like bones. These foods specifically target bone strength. Bones are 23 % sodium and these foods are 23% sodium. If you don't have enough sodium in your diet, the body pulls it from the bones, thus making them weak. These foods replenish the skeletal needs of the body.
Avocados, Eggplant and Pears target the health and function of the womb and cervix of the female - they look just like these organs. Today's research shows that when a woman eats one avocado a week, it balances hormones, sheds unwanted birth weight, and prevents cervical cancers. And how profound is this? It takes exactly nine (9) months to grow an avocado from blossom to ripened fruit.
There are over 14,000 photolytic chemical constituents of nutrition in each one of these foods (modern science has only studied and named about 141 of them). Figs are full of seeds and hang in twos when they grow. Figs increase the mobility of male sperm and increase the numbers of sperm as well to overcome male sterility.
Sweet Potatoes look like the pancreas and actually balance the glycemic index of diabetics. Olives assist the health and function of the ovaries Oranges, Grapefruits, and other Citrus fruits look just like the mammary glands of the female and actually assist the health of the breasts and the movement of lymph in and out of the breasts.
Onions look like the body's cells. Research shows onions help clear waste materials from all of the body cells. They even produce tears which wash the epithelial layers of the eyes. A working companion, Garlic, also helps eliminate waste materials and dangerous radicals from the body.
Please don't break this even if you only send it to one person. Look at the date when this was started. Thanks
NOTICE AT THE END, THE DATE THE CANDLE WAS STARTED.
This candle was lit on the 15th of September, 1998.
Sliced Carrot looks like the human eye. The pupil, iris and radiating lines look just like the human eye ... and YES, science now shows carrots greatly enhance blood flow to and functioning of the eyes.
A Tomato has four chambers and is red. The heart has four chambers and is red. All of the research shows tomatoes are loaded with lycopine and are indeed pure heart and blood food.
Grapes hang in a cluster that has the shape of the heart. Each grape looks like a blood cell and all of the research today shows grapes are also profound heart and blood vitalizing food.
A Walnut looks like a little brain, a left and right hemisphere, upper cerebrums and lower cerebellums. Even the wrinkles or folds on the nut are just like the neo-cortex. We now know walnuts help develop more than three (3) dozen neuron-transmitters for brain function.
Kidney Beans actually heal and help maintain kidney function and yes, they look exactly like the human kidneys.
C elery, Bok Choy, Rhubarb and many more look just like bones. These foods specifically target bone strength. Bones are 23 % sodium and these foods are 23% sodium. If you don't have enough sodium in your diet, the body pulls it from the bones, thus making them weak. These foods replenish the skeletal needs of the body.
Avocados, Eggplant and Pears target the health and function of the womb and cervix of the female - they look just like these organs. Today's research shows that when a woman eats one avocado a week, it balances hormones, sheds unwanted birth weight, and prevents cervical cancers. And how profound is this? It takes exactly nine (9) months to grow an avocado from blossom to ripened fruit.
There are over 14,000 photolytic chemical constituents of nutrition in each one of these foods (modern science has only studied and named about 141 of them). Figs are full of seeds and hang in twos when they grow. Figs increase the mobility of male sperm and increase the numbers of sperm as well to overcome male sterility.
Sweet Potatoes look like the pancreas and actually balance the glycemic index of diabetics. Olives assist the health and function of the ovaries Oranges, Grapefruits, and other Citrus fruits look just like the mammary glands of the female and actually assist the health of the breasts and the movement of lymph in and out of the breasts.
Onions look like the body's cells. Research shows onions help clear waste materials from all of the body cells. They even produce tears which wash the epithelial layers of the eyes. A working companion, Garlic, also helps eliminate waste materials and dangerous radicals from the body.
Please don't break this even if you only send it to one person. Look at the date when this was started. Thanks
NOTICE AT THE END, THE DATE THE CANDLE WAS STARTED.
This candle was lit on the 15th of September, 1998.
Friday, December 5, 2008
HOW TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES
1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new employees in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyze the situation:
a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put then in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management .
Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Government.
2. Put your new employees in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyze the situation:
a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put then in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management .
Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Government.
6 Management Lessonsfor LIFE !! ---Good to share
1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower,when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked infront of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with yourshareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2: A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal aleg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father,remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said,'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas ,driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone.'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone.'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4: An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5: A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer,who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6: A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began tosing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE And send this to five bright people who have enough sense of humor to take it!
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with yourshareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2: A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal aleg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father,remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said,'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas ,driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone.'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone.'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4: An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5: A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer,who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6: A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began tosing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE And send this to five bright people who have enough sense of humor to take it!
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Pchycological and Philosophical Advice
Think! Think! Think!...
* Winning isn't everything. But wanting to win is.
* You would achieve more, if you don't mind who gets the credit.
* When everything else is lost, the future still remains.
* Don't fight too much. Or the enemy would know your art of war .
* The only job you start at the top is when you dig a grave.
* If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for everything.
* If you do little things well, you'll do big ones better.
* Only thing that comes to you without effort is old age.
* You won't get a second chance to make the first impression .
* Only those who do nothing do not make mistakes.
* Never take a problem to your boss unless you have a solution.
* If you are not failing you're not taking enough risks.
* Don't try to get rid of bad temper by losing it.
* If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
* Those who don't make mistakes usually don't make anything
* There are two kinds of failures.
Those who think and never do, and those who do and never think.
* Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win.
* All progress has resulted from unpopular decisions.
* Change your thoughts and you change your world.
* Understanding proves intelligence, not the speed of the learning.
* There are two kinds of fools in this world. Those who give advise and those who don't take it.
* The best way to kill an idea is to take it to a meeting.
* Management is doing things right. Leadership is doing the right things.
* Winning isn't everything. But wanting to win is.
* You would achieve more, if you don't mind who gets the credit.
* When everything else is lost, the future still remains.
* Don't fight too much. Or the enemy would know your art of war .
* The only job you start at the top is when you dig a grave.
* If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for everything.
* If you do little things well, you'll do big ones better.
* Only thing that comes to you without effort is old age.
* You won't get a second chance to make the first impression .
* Only those who do nothing do not make mistakes.
* Never take a problem to your boss unless you have a solution.
* If you are not failing you're not taking enough risks.
* Don't try to get rid of bad temper by losing it.
* If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
* Those who don't make mistakes usually don't make anything
* There are two kinds of failures.
Those who think and never do, and those who do and never think.
* Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win.
* All progress has resulted from unpopular decisions.
* Change your thoughts and you change your world.
* Understanding proves intelligence, not the speed of the learning.
* There are two kinds of fools in this world. Those who give advise and those who don't take it.
* The best way to kill an idea is to take it to a meeting.
* Management is doing things right. Leadership is doing the right things.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Difference Between Love & Marriage
Lets think about it... hehehe
Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
Marriage is a take home packet.
Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.
Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early.
Love is a romantic drive.
Marriage is arrive on tops curvy tarmac .
Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.
Love is sweet nothing in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.
Tv has no place in love.
Marriage is a fight for remote control.
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!".
Conclusion: "Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener!"
Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
Marriage is a take home packet.
Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.
Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early.
Love is a romantic drive.
Marriage is arrive on tops curvy tarmac .
Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.
Love is sweet nothing in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.
Tv has no place in love.
Marriage is a fight for remote control.
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!".
Conclusion: "Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener!"
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